This week's contest: Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake has been contributing to The Washington Post for more than a decade. But in all those years under contract to this fine newspaper, he has never been called to illustrate actual news. Until now. Bob has sent us these illustrations of the world's events. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell us what the events are. Please help.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a really weird bright orange cloth belt emblazoned with random but totally misspelled titles of Rolling Stones songs, such as "Ruby Tcesday" and "Get Off Df Hycolud," sent to us from New Delhi by Wandering Loser Robin Diallo. This prize is clearly more fabulous than you deserve, but the Empress is occasionally given to bouts of wanton generosity.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 7. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Report from Week 595, in which we asked you to take a hyphenated heading from the top of a page of the Yellow Pages and define it: Among the almost 2,000 entries the Empress received were headings drawn from Dave Ferry's 49-pager in Purvis, Miss.; a 1985 directory from Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea; and this note accompanying the entries of Loser Chris Doyle, currently in New Zealand during a world tour with his wife: "On the three-hour ferry from Wellington to the south island's Picton . . . I found fifteen NZ phone books on a shelf for passengers' use. I saw little of the crossing, which Karen later informed me was rather foggy."

{diam}Fourth runner-up: Carpet-Catastrophic: The text message you don't want to receive from home when you're house-sitting a friend's very old dog. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}Third runner-up: Cellular-Chalkboards: Wireless phones with particularly annoying ring tones. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}Second runner-up: Banquet-Beauty: A euphemism for a plus- size woman. (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of Seth Brown's book that mentions the Style Invitational Losers: Piano-Pizza: An industry term for household pets that get in the way of furniture movers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: House-Human: The token normal person at Michael Jackson's home. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

{diam}Directory of Honorable Mentions:

Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. "Seeing ads for U.S. postage stamps is like advertising-air." (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these "dormitories." (Elden Carnahan)

Artificial-Asphalt: Polenta. (Brendan Beary)

Attorneys-Audiologists: Lawyers who guarantee they'll get you a hearing. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Automotive-Bail: What you'll have to pay if you're found parked on Constitution Avenue at 4:00:00.00001 p.m. on weekdays (Elden Carnahan)

Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to "even things up." (Russell Beland)

Billing-Blood: A loan shark's late payment fee. (Harold Kerr, Takoma Park)

Brass-Brick: A minimum-wage gold-brick. (Russell Beland)

Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow. (Brendan Beary)

Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they've lost the figure for fan-dancing. (Brendan Beary)

Can-Car: Pulled by the Little Engine That Could (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy. (Pam Sweeney)

Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit. (Marty McCullen)

Environmental-Escort: Ooh, I'll maketh you lie down in green pastures, big boy! (Harold Kerr)

Foam-Foods: The nation's top supplier of airline meals. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Financial-Fire: For when cooking the books didn't work well enough. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes. (Stevens R. Miller, Ashburn)

Heating-Heliports: Starting next season, the only interjection the FCC will allow on broadcast television. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Internet-Inventors: What do you mean, plural? (A. Gore, Nashville) (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Iron-Jewelers: For the gift that tells her you'd tolerate her all over again. (Eric Murphy)

Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than "the old ball and chain." (Russell Beland)

Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases -- for the discriminating homeowner who'd never have a lawn jockey. (Russell Beland)

Lumber-Magicians: Your friends at Pfizer. (Michelle Stupak)

Mattresses-Memorial: Hugh Hefner's already planning his grave site . . . (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

Movers-Moving and Nurses-Nursing: What I got on the 13th and 14th days of Christmas. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.)

Paper-Parapsychologists: Practitioners who, instead of attending a rigorous school, simply got their parapsychology credentials from a diploma mill. (Russell Beland)

Perforating-Pest: Build a more disgusting mousetrap, and . . . (Nancy Moore, Montgomery Village)

Real-Refrigerators: A Food Network reality show featuring spur- of-the-moment dishes like Worcestershire Sauce and Two-Year-Old Olives Wrapped in Brown Lettuce. (Tom Kreitzberg)

Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic: "That guy has a face that's radio-ready." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Sewer-Sewing: The latest fad since extreme ironing competitions. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Sheet-Social: Code phrase for a KKK rally. (Eric Murphy)

Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes's home. (Pam Sweeney)

Tree-Trophies: What beavers proudly display in their lodges. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder! (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.)

Women's-Zoning: A wife's rules for use of a house's public space. Seldom written down; usually enforced with a simple "You're not putting that in here, are you?" (Brendan Beary)

Word Processing-Zoos: Where the monkeys who work on Shakespeare hang out. (Anne Lange, Arlington)

Yacht-Zoos: Noah's three sons launch a successful business chain. (Roy Ashley, Washington)